Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
