Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
