wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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