you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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