half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
