hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
