just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
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Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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