I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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