That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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