he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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