Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
