i would punch a child for taco bell
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
