I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
