glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
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