Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
