I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
