I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
