i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
