3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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