If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
