Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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