Please, let me fuck your mom
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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