Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
