It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
