nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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