Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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