I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
