Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
