I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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