I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
