U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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