I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
