the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
