I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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