When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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