I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
