Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I need to align my fucking chakras
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