It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
