I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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