all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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