i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The air taste purple.
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