i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
