I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Congratulations! We have a period
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
