apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
