I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
