Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
