If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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