1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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