The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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