Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
