ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
