covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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