did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
