My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Can I color on your dick again?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
