you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
