you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
a search helicopter?!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
