I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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