WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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